My little baby is growing up so fast. April 2010 has been an exciting month for him as he started Year 1 at school, lost two of his baby teeth and joined a football team for Under 6. He has been having a blast with it all, handling everything that has been thrown his way with such grace, charm and courage. My heart is bursting with pride for the little man he has become.
Ok, thats not the only thing bursting. I am having a tough time coping with all these changes in his life. While he is embracing everything like a champion, I am bawling my eyes out at the thought of my precious little baby growing up right before my eyes. Everytime he shows me that he can handle things on his own, I feel torn between feeling proud of his achievements, and sad that he is no more a baby who depends on me for everything.
It has become so very clear that he does not need me as much as he used to. The irony is that, since he was born, I have been nurturing and guiding him to be just this, an independant, brave little boy. And now that he is exactly that, I am feeling lost at the thought of not being needed as much as before. He has grown and evolved to become someone strong and independant. And my role has evolved and is threatening to become obsolete.
As the primary care giver I was there full time to take care of him. I used to feed him, dress him, clean him, hold him, play with him, teach him, and do everything big and small with him. I felt so all important that my role with him, in a day, was so hard to define. But these days, its become much easier to do exactly that. My role has become definable. I am now the cook, the cleaner, the driver, the chaperon, the bodyguard, the teacher, and so on. My role as mum is becoming more functional now, where I silently performs my various roles to facilitate his daily needs. Otherwise, this new little man feels self sufficient taking care of things himself.
I realise now that mothers need a period of weening off from their children whom they have been caring for day in, day out. No one realises the emotional roller coaster a mum goes through when she sees her child taking his or her first steps towards being independant. How long that weening period should be, is difficult to define. If you are lucky, you may give each other a few months to adjust to the changes and new roles that each is evolving into, but if you are not so lucky, then a few weeks is something you should be grateful for. I was not that lucky in my transition from becoming a 'need you all the time for everything' mum to 'I can do it myself' mum.
One minute, I was walking him to class in the morning to help him settle into a new academic year and environment and three days later, he 'tells' me I should just drop him off in front of the school gates and drive away and that he will see himself to class. I was shocked. Well, proud and shocked at the same time really, but still the feeling of not being needed any more makes the shock factor more painful than intended. I tried to buy time coming up with all kinds of excuses why I should continue to walk him to class for a few more weeks, including trying to scare him with stories of children being kidnapped, but he was not buying any of it. So in the end, I had to do what I had to do. I begged him to give me time to get used to the idea that he can do it all himself. I was desperate, and I knew nothing short of the truth was going to let him relent. So with begrudging understanding, he is letting me walk him to class for just one more week. I am so very grateful for the week long weaning period I have got.
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