My Little Blessings

I can't begin to imagine how a woman must feel when she finds herself unable to conceive. Especially so if she and her partner so desperately want a child. I cannot pretend to empathise with the pain and emotional anguish they must go through.

I am lucky that I had been blessed with a son more than five years ago. The day he was born was the happiest day of my life. He continues to be the centre of my universe and not a day passes by when I don't look at him with wonder and awe and give thanks for the fact he is mine.

However, for a long time now, my husband and I have been trying for another child. Being unable to conceive again, I find myself in the position of the woman I described above. I keep reminding myself that it is not the same, as I have already been blessed with a child. I feel selfish and ungrateful for wanting another child when so many childless women out there would trade positions with me in a second.

But how do I begin to explain this need in the centre of my being for more children. I feel a void in my soul, an emptiness within me that I cannot explain. Its more than a craving, its a huge whole in my heart that is screaming to be filled. Even as I hold my son close, I feel that we, as a family are not complete as there should be more children around us. Our children. My children.

To lessen this pain, this longing, I fill my heart with guilt. I tell myself that I am truly selfish. Not only have I been blessed with my son, I have a neice who is practically mine, as she spends most of her time with us. I take a second look and realise, I have had two kids with me all this time, but I have been so blind. She calls me mum. Need I say more? Both she and my son are as close as siblings can ever be. They only have each other as they are the only grandchildren for both sets of grandparents. They are each others lives as much as they are mine.

So I stand corrected, I am blessed, twice over, and I give my thanks for them.