November 25, 2010
A Life Lesson
You learn something new every day. Sometimes it may end up becoming a life lesson. I have a feeling that I am about to learn one of those this week. A life lesson. I know that at the end of it, I must make a decision based on what I have learnt. And that decision will shape the rest of my life. It is daunting and yet, I am excited. I think I have needed this for a long time now. And now that it is finally here, I am looking forward to see what the outcome will be.
October 13, 2010
Impromptu Holiday!!
We finally went for our first holiday for the year! It was so sudden and unplanned that I cannot believe we had a blast of a time. We usually plan so much ahead for a holiday. As we have so many constraints, like family, work and other commitments, we try to plan it to the tee to ensure that the kids especially, have a fun time. But I guess, sometimes, you just have to go with the flow. I am so glad we did.
When my husband first brought it up, I thought he was just being sweet. He was actually going on a work visit and thought perhaps my son and I could tag along. Well, I finally decided that we should infact go. This is one of the rare, impromtu decisions I have made and I am so gald it turned out great. More than great in fact. My son is happier and wiser for the experience. I needed to break away from the monotony of my daily routine. My hubby managed to get us away on our first holiday for the year. But most importantly, we had a memorable time as a family.
I guess, sometimes, its good to just say, "Hey, what the hell." and go with the flow. I am glad we did.
When my husband first brought it up, I thought he was just being sweet. He was actually going on a work visit and thought perhaps my son and I could tag along. Well, I finally decided that we should infact go. This is one of the rare, impromtu decisions I have made and I am so gald it turned out great. More than great in fact. My son is happier and wiser for the experience. I needed to break away from the monotony of my daily routine. My hubby managed to get us away on our first holiday for the year. But most importantly, we had a memorable time as a family.
I guess, sometimes, its good to just say, "Hey, what the hell." and go with the flow. I am glad we did.
August 5, 2010
Weaning Period For Mums
My little baby is growing up so fast. April 2010 has been an exciting month for him as he started Year 1 at school, lost two of his baby teeth and joined a football team for Under 6. He has been having a blast with it all, handling everything that has been thrown his way with such grace, charm and courage. My heart is bursting with pride for the little man he has become.
Ok, thats not the only thing bursting. I am having a tough time coping with all these changes in his life. While he is embracing everything like a champion, I am bawling my eyes out at the thought of my precious little baby growing up right before my eyes. Everytime he shows me that he can handle things on his own, I feel torn between feeling proud of his achievements, and sad that he is no more a baby who depends on me for everything.
It has become so very clear that he does not need me as much as he used to. The irony is that, since he was born, I have been nurturing and guiding him to be just this, an independant, brave little boy. And now that he is exactly that, I am feeling lost at the thought of not being needed as much as before. He has grown and evolved to become someone strong and independant. And my role has evolved and is threatening to become obsolete.
As the primary care giver I was there full time to take care of him. I used to feed him, dress him, clean him, hold him, play with him, teach him, and do everything big and small with him. I felt so all important that my role with him, in a day, was so hard to define. But these days, its become much easier to do exactly that. My role has become definable. I am now the cook, the cleaner, the driver, the chaperon, the bodyguard, the teacher, and so on. My role as mum is becoming more functional now, where I silently performs my various roles to facilitate his daily needs. Otherwise, this new little man feels self sufficient taking care of things himself.
I realise now that mothers need a period of weening off from their children whom they have been caring for day in, day out. No one realises the emotional roller coaster a mum goes through when she sees her child taking his or her first steps towards being independant. How long that weening period should be, is difficult to define. If you are lucky, you may give each other a few months to adjust to the changes and new roles that each is evolving into, but if you are not so lucky, then a few weeks is something you should be grateful for. I was not that lucky in my transition from becoming a 'need you all the time for everything' mum to 'I can do it myself' mum.
One minute, I was walking him to class in the morning to help him settle into a new academic year and environment and three days later, he 'tells' me I should just drop him off in front of the school gates and drive away and that he will see himself to class. I was shocked. Well, proud and shocked at the same time really, but still the feeling of not being needed any more makes the shock factor more painful than intended. I tried to buy time coming up with all kinds of excuses why I should continue to walk him to class for a few more weeks, including trying to scare him with stories of children being kidnapped, but he was not buying any of it. So in the end, I had to do what I had to do. I begged him to give me time to get used to the idea that he can do it all himself. I was desperate, and I knew nothing short of the truth was going to let him relent. So with begrudging understanding, he is letting me walk him to class for just one more week. I am so very grateful for the week long weaning period I have got.
Ok, thats not the only thing bursting. I am having a tough time coping with all these changes in his life. While he is embracing everything like a champion, I am bawling my eyes out at the thought of my precious little baby growing up right before my eyes. Everytime he shows me that he can handle things on his own, I feel torn between feeling proud of his achievements, and sad that he is no more a baby who depends on me for everything.
It has become so very clear that he does not need me as much as he used to. The irony is that, since he was born, I have been nurturing and guiding him to be just this, an independant, brave little boy. And now that he is exactly that, I am feeling lost at the thought of not being needed as much as before. He has grown and evolved to become someone strong and independant. And my role has evolved and is threatening to become obsolete.
As the primary care giver I was there full time to take care of him. I used to feed him, dress him, clean him, hold him, play with him, teach him, and do everything big and small with him. I felt so all important that my role with him, in a day, was so hard to define. But these days, its become much easier to do exactly that. My role has become definable. I am now the cook, the cleaner, the driver, the chaperon, the bodyguard, the teacher, and so on. My role as mum is becoming more functional now, where I silently performs my various roles to facilitate his daily needs. Otherwise, this new little man feels self sufficient taking care of things himself.
I realise now that mothers need a period of weening off from their children whom they have been caring for day in, day out. No one realises the emotional roller coaster a mum goes through when she sees her child taking his or her first steps towards being independant. How long that weening period should be, is difficult to define. If you are lucky, you may give each other a few months to adjust to the changes and new roles that each is evolving into, but if you are not so lucky, then a few weeks is something you should be grateful for. I was not that lucky in my transition from becoming a 'need you all the time for everything' mum to 'I can do it myself' mum.
One minute, I was walking him to class in the morning to help him settle into a new academic year and environment and three days later, he 'tells' me I should just drop him off in front of the school gates and drive away and that he will see himself to class. I was shocked. Well, proud and shocked at the same time really, but still the feeling of not being needed any more makes the shock factor more painful than intended. I tried to buy time coming up with all kinds of excuses why I should continue to walk him to class for a few more weeks, including trying to scare him with stories of children being kidnapped, but he was not buying any of it. So in the end, I had to do what I had to do. I begged him to give me time to get used to the idea that he can do it all himself. I was desperate, and I knew nothing short of the truth was going to let him relent. So with begrudging understanding, he is letting me walk him to class for just one more week. I am so very grateful for the week long weaning period I have got.
July 28, 2010
Lessons From The Young
I was teaching my son science last evening and the topic was on Farm Animals. I asked him what do cows give us. His answer was immediate, "Milk". He then goes on to explain to me, like he was the teacher and I the student, "The cow is so kind and nice to give us milk, but the farmer has to squeeze her thingy down there for the milk. I don't know how the cow feels about that mummy." He says the last bit with serious concern. I was speechless that this little guy of mine was empathizing with this animal, relating to its feelings like it was a person. Such innocence. What a big heart. I simply gathered him in my arms and smothered him with hugs and kisses.
January 4, 2010
Milestones
He is fourty years old today. I will be thirty seven in a few short months. This is year 2010. All the timelines we talked about before like it was another lifetime away, is here. Upon us. So sudden and yet, we knew time was passing by, getting us closer to this very moment.
I wonder why we are feeling so out of sorts then. Taken by surprise, unbelieving that the moment in our lifes that we talked about has arrived. Its as if we have been asleep all these years and suddenly have woken up to find we have been robbed of those precious moments, milestones, special occasions, achievements, etc that we thought we would have reached before this momentous year.
One thought is so horribly true, there is no turning back time to redo, reexperience, repent, realise, recover and relive. The tomorrows are here, and its too late. It is definitely too late to go back. Now there is an invisible current of urgency pushing us to move forward, fast, to catch up so that we wont be taken by surprise again by the loss of another decade.
There is no more time to waste.
I wonder why we are feeling so out of sorts then. Taken by surprise, unbelieving that the moment in our lifes that we talked about has arrived. Its as if we have been asleep all these years and suddenly have woken up to find we have been robbed of those precious moments, milestones, special occasions, achievements, etc that we thought we would have reached before this momentous year.
One thought is so horribly true, there is no turning back time to redo, reexperience, repent, realise, recover and relive. The tomorrows are here, and its too late. It is definitely too late to go back. Now there is an invisible current of urgency pushing us to move forward, fast, to catch up so that we wont be taken by surprise again by the loss of another decade.
There is no more time to waste.
November 12, 2009
My Unroutined Day
I have a certain routine every weekday once I send my son and hubby off to their respective destinations; school and work. I have about four hours to cook, clean, potter about doing mummy things and if I am lucky, squeeze just a little bit of time to do my own thing. Monday to Friday, 8.00 a.m. to 12.00 noon, thats how my mornings are set.
The rest of the day is also kind of like a clockwork, as taking care of my son and my niece fills up pretty much the whole afternoon right up until bed time at night. That's when my routine switches to picking them up from school, giving them their meals, lesson time with mum and finally outside activities which I have to get them to on time.
But a funny thing happened today. My routine became unroutined, and I got thrown off balance in my own home. I finally knew how a round peg felt in a square hole. I felt disoriented and seemed to stumble about with my chores, unable to pick any one to do first.
The reson for my day becoming unroutined? My hubby. He decided on the spur of the moment to take a couple of days off work. Spur of the moment being when he woke up on this perfectly beautiful and promising morning and just decided on the spot he deserved two days off. That's two days off my weekday! My perfectly syncronised weekday, where I have finetuned a lovely rythmn to which beat I move fluidly through.
But there was no music today. I had no rythmn. I spent the rest of the day doing the side step around my blissfully happy hubby who was unaware how he had unroutined my day. I shudder to think of tomorrow.
The rest of the day is also kind of like a clockwork, as taking care of my son and my niece fills up pretty much the whole afternoon right up until bed time at night. That's when my routine switches to picking them up from school, giving them their meals, lesson time with mum and finally outside activities which I have to get them to on time.
But a funny thing happened today. My routine became unroutined, and I got thrown off balance in my own home. I finally knew how a round peg felt in a square hole. I felt disoriented and seemed to stumble about with my chores, unable to pick any one to do first.
The reson for my day becoming unroutined? My hubby. He decided on the spur of the moment to take a couple of days off work. Spur of the moment being when he woke up on this perfectly beautiful and promising morning and just decided on the spot he deserved two days off. That's two days off my weekday! My perfectly syncronised weekday, where I have finetuned a lovely rythmn to which beat I move fluidly through.
But there was no music today. I had no rythmn. I spent the rest of the day doing the side step around my blissfully happy hubby who was unaware how he had unroutined my day. I shudder to think of tomorrow.
October 24, 2009
Good Things
Just imagine a day that is so perfect. Nothing makes you start, stumble or fall even. Just a perfectly 'normal', blissful day. A rarity for some people, a norm in, I hope, lot's of families. That's what I had today. And I damn well took advantage of it and had a wonderful time. So there! I don't give a hoot what anyone thinks. I did it, and had a blast!
I had planned for it to continue and party well into the night, but guess what? "All good things must come to an end". I guess whoever said that knew what they were talking about. Because, thats exactly what happened. Like a splash of cold water on a warm mood, plans changed like pants on fire. So now, l sit here all alone, remembering the wonderful time I had and regretting the what if's and what not's that could have happened. How come nobody mentioned good things are shortlived?
October 22, 2009
Hope
It literally feels like the layers of burden are falling of me. As I slowly sell away all the things that I had bought as part of my business nearly two years ago, I feel as though I am peeling away at the bindings that have captured my soul. I can actually breathe now. There is a lightness in my heart. There is a skip in my step. And I find myself smiling for no reason at all. I am actually working my way towards happiness. The guilt and frustration I have felt for failing in what I had endevoured to do, is slowly being replaced by strength and a resolve to move forward. I can actually see a light at the end of the tunnel. I can let myself believe that there maybe something else out there for me. I have hope.
October 6, 2009
September 26, 2009
Loosing Your Identity
Its a huge wake up call when you suddenly realise you dont have an identity. You are a nobody. It will suddenly dawn on you when you notice that you are being taken for granted. It could start with those at home, it could be your immediate family members or even friends. Suddenly, your needs are secondary, if not unimportant. You dont have plans. You dont have opinions. You dont have a say, period. Thats when you sit back and realise, hey, when did I not matter. Unfortunately, it must have been going on for sometime before you actually took notice of it. But no one cared to clue you in, as your needs did not matter. You are a nobody.
Its actually an awakening, albeit a rude one. Its an eye opener. For literally, your eyes pop open in disbelieve. The how's, why's, when's all become jumbled questions in your mind racing for attention, racing to be addressed first. Denial, anger, frustration, shame all become a cocktail of emotions bubbling up to the surface in hot tears. Rage aimed at everyone who has treated you less than you are. Ultimately, rage at yourself, for letting yourself become a nobody.
Then, the journey begins. The journey of self discovery, reinvention and creating a new identity. You begin to re-examine where your journey has taken you thus far, and where you wanted to be. You will ask yourself if you want to continue with the experience of the journey as it has become, realign the track you have let derail, or totally abandon the whole journey itself, and create a whole new destination from this very moment onwards.
That is exactly what I have done. I have abandoned my old destination. I have commenced cleaning up the debri that I have let fall on the tracks of my heart, soul and my conscience. I am charting my new destination. And I am excited to begin my journey anew. This time I am determined to not let my life derail. This time, I will be somebody.
Its actually an awakening, albeit a rude one. Its an eye opener. For literally, your eyes pop open in disbelieve. The how's, why's, when's all become jumbled questions in your mind racing for attention, racing to be addressed first. Denial, anger, frustration, shame all become a cocktail of emotions bubbling up to the surface in hot tears. Rage aimed at everyone who has treated you less than you are. Ultimately, rage at yourself, for letting yourself become a nobody.
Then, the journey begins. The journey of self discovery, reinvention and creating a new identity. You begin to re-examine where your journey has taken you thus far, and where you wanted to be. You will ask yourself if you want to continue with the experience of the journey as it has become, realign the track you have let derail, or totally abandon the whole journey itself, and create a whole new destination from this very moment onwards.
That is exactly what I have done. I have abandoned my old destination. I have commenced cleaning up the debri that I have let fall on the tracks of my heart, soul and my conscience. I am charting my new destination. And I am excited to begin my journey anew. This time I am determined to not let my life derail. This time, I will be somebody.
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